Baby Loss Support

Dawson – My Baby Boy 

I would like to introduce my little boy Dawson, and I’m his Mum, Sophie. I don’t have photographs of Dawson starting school as a 4 year old this year, I can imagine them, but that was one of my ‘lost days’. Dawson died on 8th June 2016 and was born the following day.  Baby Loss week gives the opportunity to feel like I can freely and openly talk about Dawson. There are so many people who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal and other losses that when opening up, others share then their story. That sharing takes from a feeling of loneliness I carry with me since 2016. 

I was full term when I suffered a severe placental abruption.  I wanted nothing but my baby’s life prioritized over mine, but it was too late, the severity of the abruption was so severe it had already taken his. I thought the fight would end in surviving my own death however I’ve learnt that finding purpose after with the loss of someone who was actually physically part me, attached to me, carried by me, as well as emotionally tied to my hopes and dreams has actually led me to have to fight in unimaginable ways, and harder than I could I ever feel capable. 

In the initial stages of loss there were many midwifes offering their condolences. My pre-natal midwife, my midwifes during labour, and those who provided my aftercare, and the bereavement midwife was so caring whilst being informative. I was hearing information no mother wants to hear. I’d especially like to thank Dr Chandler who without I would not be alive today, he was very supportive. 

My organs failed, I was turning an awful yellow colour and I needed constant observation. After giving birth I was assured of privacy and time to bond with Dawson, despite transfusions continuing so I went into a private room where my own recovery continued. Next door to that room was the Ivy Room, a room which the Ivy Trust had set up, full of informative leaflets, books, food hampers and a friendly feel. As family left from the UK and further afield to be by my-side they were offered the Ivy Room to sit, and also sleep over in their own privacy and support.

I had left theatre into recovery still hoping to hear Dawson’s cries which never came. Somehow some slight energy  returned and I recall singing the Frozen song “Let It Go” as I went to the room. I don’t know why, June 2016 was very warm, perhaps i envisaged what was next…

It was no time at all that something I never knew existed arrived, a ‘cold cot’ which inside held my baby boy. Dawson was dressed in his clothes from my birthing bag , purchased and prepared months earlier and I watched his father lift him and pass him onto me, not quite like the hopes and dreams. He wasn’t warm, his little hands and feet were cold, and his lips purple. He had the perfect split of his fathers face at the top, and my face at the bottom half. We confirmed his name in that moment as Dawson Mcluckie. Our surnames combined. 

The cold cot funded by the Ivy Trust enabled for me to bond with Dawson, a camera was provided for pictures of us, with family, and handprints were made and imprints taken using kits provided. Within a memory box which at the time had been provided by ‘Philips Footprints’ charity, a lock of his hair was taken and sealed in a lovely box.  There was also a teddy bear and a beautiful pearl bracelet Dawson wore, this was fitting for the birthstone of June.

Family came over and met Dawson, held him, had photos taken and kindly Jasmine photography took some more professional shots too. When the day came where I said goodbye Dawson he was dressed in a beautiful gown donated  by the Sands Charity made from wedding dresses. Dawson cuddled his teddy and wore his bracelet which I kept, but with him went part of a heart necklace, which I carry the other part to. 

All the photographs I have of Dawson are so very special to me, they are a reminder of a face I wish I could do anything to see maturing. It was very moving to hear recently a school friend had donated her wedding dress to Sands in acknowledging the loss of Dawson. 

I was introduced to Sands Guernsey and whilst I wasn’t ready personally to admit to myself , I realize now I had just enrolled into a club which I hadn’t wanted to join- being a bereaved parent. As time went on I realized that talking to other loss parents was exactly the company that I needed. 

Shelly and Jayne from the Ivy Trust emailed and visited and still keep contact now. I consider them friends as do I the Sands befrienders who I met through monthly baby loss meetings and emails. I have laughed in the meetings, cried, but have always left glad and feeling better for attending. I’ve also made friends through meeting other people. It’s a chance to step off a world which keeps on spinning and remember, but also share, those feelings that through discussion we grow around, reducing the feeling of loneliness. 

The Christmas Church Service is a favorite of mine where I like to express my thoughts in poetry and read aloud remembering all the babies lost. Le Friquet Garden Centre where I work have always donated a Christmas tree on which tags of messages to the missing babies are written and hung.

Dawson has special places on the island, he has a hanging Ivy Leaf plaque on sunflower row in the Ivy Garden at PEH and he has a plaque in the babyloss garden at Le Foulon cemetery. Both are quiet spots I enjoy especially in the sunshine when I especially would like the world to slow down temporarily.

Dawson’s funeral was arranged beautifully by Beckfords funeral directors and afterwards we went to the Guernsey Pearl ( with the birthstone link) and Roquaine bay, which bough would become special places in remembrance. Infact, to me, the right hand side of the beach as you look to Fort Grey is called ‘Dawson’s beach’.

Sands UK have also enabled a plaque to be put in the baby loss garden in my home county of Lincolnshire so my family can remember their grandson, great grandson, nephew and cousin. This is much welcome in the acknowledgement of Dawson and the hope of him having been part of a much loving family. 

I knew of the Guernsey Bereavement Counselling service prior to my loss. An opportunity later presented itself when the Ivy Trust funded a place on the certificate in counselling with bereavement and loss, I enrolled, graduated and am currently studying in my year 2 of an accredited counselling diploma to become fully qualified in being able to provide any counseling service, whilst extremely empathetic to bereavement and loss. I became a volunteer prior to this with the bereavement service and it holds a special place within my heart. 

I will never simply get over the loss of Dawson, I will not just ever ‘move on’ as in forget, because whilst time progresses just as if he was here, my love will deepen and my bond with him will be continued. 

I am so very grateful to all the services, friends, family and colleagues who have provided support, that they did so, in all the various ways that they have and continue to so. I am also grateful for the community on Instagram where I have met mums from all over the world who have have had experiences for us to share joint empathy. I have learnt that healing has come from feeling all of the emotions that arise. 

Thank you from Dawson and I x